Sunlight

Beba SchlottmannOther Writings, Uncategorized Leave a Comment

It was 3:00am and I was still wide awake, staring at the ceiling and trying to solve the world’s problems with every sheep I counted. I’m used to insomnia and the battle of the mind, so it is no surprise that I found myself just going through the motions — typical for my sleepless nights. It’s funny how the mind works, you think of the strangest and most ridiculous things when you lie awake at night, trying to convince yourself that this is all very normal…

Tonight’s episode was funny, though a bit nerve wrecking. I was trying to figure out how to survive on my own should the COVID pandemic escalate to the point where people start hunting and hurting each other, much like in zombie movies. My scenario was not a good one, of course (I mean, what movie would be worth watching if it was all sunshine and roses, right?!). In my scenario, I have my apartment, but I am now running out of resources. I have moved furniture in front of the door to keep intruders out, water scarcity is becoming a real problem, and I’m running out of meds (yeah, I am still sick in my made up world). I’m getting desperate!

I soon realize that I have no real way of protecting myself from the crazies outside because I don’t even own a weapon, nor would I know how to use one anyway. I try to think rationally about my options. “Should I stay here and wait this thing out a little longer? Or should I go out and venture into Crazyland to find food and maybe someone I know to camp out with?” The options are never so great, obviously!

“I miss the sunlight!” I say to myself as I grab a backpack and stuff it with the necessary items to make it a day or two out there… Then just like that, I snap out of it and try to think of a better scenario or a better story all together. Phew, that was depressing and intense! What I wouldn’t give to be able to snap out of reality for a much better scenario, wishing for a better outcome or for a better plot. Don’t you feel like that sometimes? In all honesty, I think even as people of faith, we often find ourselves wondering about the outcome of the difficult situations we face. “Will it get better? Is there really hope? Is this worth it?” The questions linger…

I think the questions will always be there. We tend to constantly go back and forth between doubt and belief. But I think, perhaps, that is why faith is so important in life. If there was no faith, what is there to life then, right? I’d like to believe that if I hold on to what I believe, I will see most of my questions answered — if not all. I’d like to believe that in my crazy, made up scenario, I will move the furniture out of the way, open the door, get in my car, and drive away into the sunset with a smile of satisfaction. And, of course, a homemade weapon of some sort (no cigar in my mouth because I’m still a heart patient, even in my made up world).

I’m sure you may have created your own scenarios to try and deal with your suffering or messiness. I just want to encourage you to take faith with you wherever you go. Without it, you are lost. Without it, you have already lost the battle. Believe with all your heart and might, and hang on to that. You’ll find yourself riding along a vast highway with plenty of sunlight on your journey.

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